Whiney Beyach
Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at 09:48AM So, it's time to start writing things down. I'm 46, fat, unhealthy, miserable, and depressed. I hate my job (but I have a job, I kinda like it but I come home angry all the time, and my skillsets are almost obsolete and I am still grateful for still having a job!) and my finances are a m-e-s-s. I drink too much wine. I drink WAY too much. I come home almost every night and down a bottle (or more). Last night, I didn't (nor the night before) and I almost feel good. But I crave it constantly. It's a connnnstant craaaving.
The Weight Watchers diet has not been going my way. While I'm still down, I'm not DOWN. I'm not taking it seriously enough. There is too much good food out there. And so much of it! I need to drink way less wine, eat less sugar and carbs, and eat more veggies and less protein. I think the wine is a huge contributor to this problem.
I went to the doctor yesterday and guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said "you need to eat less potatos, try a ruttebega". Sigh.
Chris and I have been squabbling and he has stopped communicating with me. He and my mother don't get along (well, that's the understatement of the decade) and he has rightfully had enough. He doesn't want her in my life and she makes snippy commentary that is not helpful. I feel trapped between family and "family". I always want to play the middle and I really need to pick a side. But it's really come to a head. Chris is not happy and I love him so much. I need him to be happy. So, I'm going to tell my parents and my brother that they have got to reach out and make amends or I need to stop communicating with them. I really don't care if any of them like each other. They just have to grit their teeth and pretend. It's just been hard to come to this place but you know what, Chris is right...he's my family (he _AND_ the dogs). I just hate that he's bitchy and hateful about it and aggressively angry at me because I'm not doing what he wants as quickly as he wants...and the more he gets angry, the less I want to even try to get to this place.
Just opened Chris' paycheck (thinking it was just another check I needed to deposit while he is away) and discovered that he jacked up his paycheck by 25% over what he makes. Now, what he makes is incredibly respectable and I'm totally proud of his accomplishments. But!, did he jack it up just to puff himself up or to make me feel bad about what I make? Why? I find myself a little peeved. But am I justified? Probably not. It's a white-lie and it did no real harm.
I NEED PROZAC!!! My mother and brother are both very depressed and on meds. Maybe it's time for me? I'm just so miserable overall. But I like who I am. I like the ride up and down. And I don't want to lose that. But right now, it's just too much. Time to hit Google and figure out what would be best for me and that doesn't have the side-effect of making me want to throw myself off a bridge (because I am. Close. To. The. Eeeeedge!)
On the plus side, I've been in bed at 8pm two nights in a row!
So, for the new year, I want to be less whiney. Let's see how the next post pans out.
